Mariah Meets World

she's at rest

2009-08-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

grandma had been ill for as long as i can remember. but i was so glad that at least we got the chance to have her to stay in our house just like grandpa. memories collected when we were together. what can i say i felt the sense of guilt as i had kept unhappiness and anger when she spoke the opposite of what we did for her like we didn't feed her and etc. that's just a behaviour an elderly would do. i really held to personal to that. when i saw her cold body lying on the bed, in my heart i apologized to her. may she rest in peace. every eyes we're in contact were reddish due to crying. grandma, i held on too much unhappiness against you but i want you to know that i forgot what were the reasons that made me feel that way. please send grandpa our love will you. we love you both and without both of you, my mum will not be my mum.though she may not be the perfect one but she's our mum. and i love her imperfections. thank you Allah, thank you for my grandparents, thank you for my parents and thank you for my siblings. i have always wish for a perfect family but you gave me an perfect imperfect family. (",) bless them all. though i don't know the reason why our family bonding with relatives are the way it is but due bless them too. i wish nothing bad for anyone. noone deserve to be treated badly though people do treat other people bad but all i can say its the lessons of LIFE. grandma, finally you're at rest with grandpa but do bless us from where you are.

What hurts the most...

2009-05-10T04:12:00.000-07:00

Well comes to think of it, i have more negative posts than positive ones. I think this is the only source I can depend on. Had been really depressed this few days..work piling up, assignments due, group projects increasing, rushing from work to school..how much can i tolerate this..so tired seriously..am i 22 or 52? I feel my body and legs are aching all over, my head's getting really heavy.. I just want to break away from all this and enjoy life..I don't know I guess this the other side of me talking..it's driving me insane..recently my heart aches when I just spoke my hearts out to my dear mum..well i shall say wrong person to pour your heart and soul too i supposed..it made me really mad and heart got heavier talking to her..now i learnt my lesson, keeping mums the word..I don't feel like doing anything..I just want to have a long sleep or even don't want to wake up at all..

Should i keep my heart open?

2009-03-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

after one D comes another D guy in my life now. He sounds really nice and sincere person. Well what I have in mind about the previous Mr D turned out to be true but wasn't meant to be. How about this one? Am I going to be ready to have my heart broken again? I know that when comes to the matter of heart, you have to prepared to either be heartbroken or complete. I'm not certain with myself. Am i ready?
Manz why must this be so complicated. Mariah!!!

the truth's out yet i'm not informed..

2009-02-14T06:45:00.000-08:00

long awaited result of the content of the water bottle is out and waited for days for someone to get back to me. the three people involved in making my days in the low side avoided me. my gosh when i have the courage to stand up to them and yet this happened. i'm so disappointed in myself and the people involved. poonam was nice to help me ask the grandma on the outcome of the water bottle and true enough its vitamin c belonged to his uncle. i'm so very disappointed. grandpa came down and made a big issue yet he has no courteousy on coming down to explain or apologize. such an ego. god thank you for giving me the strength to go on during my darkest days. hopefully i'm up for whatever is coming my way...

Had an extremely bad day!

2009-02-06T02:41:00.000-08:00

I totally don't understand. Just because you've been in the field which relates to law and order that gave you the right to use your bloody authority on the school. You should know your grandson well enough before you start pointing finger at me! I'm so damn mad that the only thing that i could only express it through crying. Damn three bloody problems in just one day! Its like noone wanted to take that level and I agreed to and this is the shit i got. Manz! Mind my own language. I just stand this anymore! Fine that you want to check it out with the police or MOH people whom you claimed to be your acquaintance or what sort not. If really it's your grandson who caused this whole misunderstanding i totally demand an apology and thanks to him i have a bad impression on police officers! A policeman should know how to act professionally. I think you're in this line just want to enjoy people being frightened of them. Go and fly your damn kite!
Hate this man alot..

Consequences that tail...

2008-12-15T05:48:00.000-08:00

Making wrong choices especially, hastily is definitely bad. I've broke too many hearts and I can't mend them. I suppose I should keep a distance and try not to do anything about them. I totally deserve for whatever I've done! The love I preserved for years and finally took a shot and it ended before it began. Friends that I possibly thought I have, are just in my lil' imagination. I brought these upon myself. Gosh, it's painful. Staying positive really 'does' help. Ya right. I can't even console myself. Man! Seriously, I don't know why these happen. Some people at work can never cross beyond the thin line coz whatever you say or do will never be able to gain my trust. Noone can make me trust you people. It is such a big risk to take. Ain't up for them no more!

Whatever happened in the past seemed worth it!

2008-11-17T03:49:00.000-08:00

Stressing up, losing temper, venting anger, feeling really lousy, feeling not myself these few months seemed worth it. I finally found out something that i have never notice before. The real reason why I am not able to let go of the pain I suffered last year under the hands of Mrs Leong. What are the lessons I need to extract from that one whole painful year?I can't deny that now I'm stronger able to stand up and speak up for myself. No more being trapped in my lil' self, silent and vulnerable. The real reason I'm so hurt was due to the reason of being guilty. Guilty of leaving those innocence beings under the evil and crazy lady. I used to take in all the craps for those children. Being taught to lie over and over again just to claim the credits for herself. Is that the real reason why people set up preschool? To be recognized and showing off your status? I hope she finally come to realize sooner or later, money is not everything. She has to stop running away from the truth and learn to treasure sincerity. I almost went to depression because I have millions of things playing in my heart. I wanna so much get out but how about the children whom I finally managed to get them settled? How can I be so heartless to leave them? I'm finally breathing fresh air. How are they doing in there? I can't help to think about them. I wanted so badly to visit them but I can't. I finally able to forgive myself. It's all in my mind. When my current principal asked me if i trusted her. I replied 50/50. She cried so bitterly. I didn't know I've hurt her so badly. I could actually sense sincerity and care from her but dare not receive them and chose to block them. I'm so afraid to trust these "principals". They gave me the sense of manipulation. People working under them are like puppets hanging on a string. Probably I'm thinking way too much. I would really love to trust people again, but i guess the wound has not been completely healed. However when my parents came down and thanking me and the changes they saw in their children. I find it a satisfaction. Seeing my children being so confident and being themselves, I find whatever gets me here seemed worthwhile. I am able to make a difference in these children's life. More to come!

Parent-teacher's meeting

2008-11-15T05:06:00.000-08:00

It was really memoriable.Parents took their time off just coming down despite knowing their children's strengths and weaknesses. They came personally to thank. I am really happy that their children enjoyed comin to school. Its really a satisfaction that all my hardwork actually paid off. I am glad that my parents were very supportive of everything that we did. So sweet of them!

Wanted!

2008-10-29T03:35:00.000-07:00

I'm like wanted every now and then. Mariah! Mariah! Mariah! I suddenly hate this name so much. Its flattering to know that people need my help but making people happy and satisfied in the expends of having a quiet and peaceful moment with myself. Even when nature's call to the toilet, I can have people looking for me. When school break starts, that's it! I'm solely thinking about my enjoyment. Shopping, watching movies! Whatever..these things I didn't get to do for ages.Currently having my brother and my family home, makes us family happy. They'll come to stay with us for days. That makes us all happy. Home will always be home for them forever! Suddenly having the thoughts of my childhood. I miss my past. Though it was a rough phase of my life but I was a happy child surrounded with friends and they are really friends. Miss doing things together. Am being pulled doing practice for the concert..not only the children's but also mine. Damn! I shouldn't be so kind hearted to give in just to make everyone happy. I know i should help with sincere heart. Fickel mindedness is always my problem. Wanting to reject but ended giving a knod! I'm such an idiot. Sometimes can't help cursing and swearing myself. But looking back, whatever I've experienced makes me appreciate life better. Hopefully stays that way. Am halfway going to come out from this stormy sea!

Visit to Kids Insight!

2008-10-03T18:54:00.000-07:00

Wow, the place really changed. The walls may be painted and filled will colours but not the children. The children I knew three years ago had changed. I could sense the anger and frustration. Not like before, even if they were, we would talk about it and end it. After that we'll joke and laugh about silly things. I was well known to be the devil and the clown at the same time. Being an angry teenager I was before, I had a very bad temper. The kids who create trouble would not get away from my eyes. Alot of crazy things I did. Planning surprise birthday parties, teaching art and craft, going out to play badminton..not to mention how many rules I had broken. Just to gain this children's trust and respect. But now teachers after teachers left. It's like they just gave up on this children. I stayed for almost two years and grew up with them now it disappoint me to see them like this. Ming Yuan's last day was yesterday and he said, Ms Mariah why don't you come back, then I come back. I wish I really could but I can't. My life is so packed enough. He asked me where am i currently working in. He said something really touched me. You know what, quit your job, get your boyfriend to support you coz' you deserve it. I looked at him and think how innocent and naive my lil' boy can be. He sure really has grown up. I pray that someone would come and help these children. They are bad enough being sent to a centre instead of their own home. They need love and care.

I'm turning to a new chapter of my life!

2008-10-03T18:39:00.001-07:00

My life just run like a river. Only flowing down and there's no way it could flow back up. Whatever it is, I am happy that I could now change the way I look, putting a lil' make up but still feel that I am still me. I used to hate cosmetics alot not to mention how my mum used to doll me up every since i was a toddler. I used to laugh at my pictures when I was younger. The thick make up on my face. Err..scary.. I just want to thank Donavan for whom for that six whole years I spent I don't care if it's love or just a crush but I really liked that feeling. But I got to wake up from this lil' fantasy of mine. There's no such thing as prince charming. Life is not a fairy tale. This is reality. He is a nice person, no matter where he is and how he is, I pray that he will get whatever he wants in his life.
I am currently stress with work, drowning myself for the actual fact, may it be a channel to escape being at home or escaping from having time on my own..I can say that whatever I have experienced in the past, I only want to remember the pleasant memories while the unpleasant ones I chose to forget them..and it really worked. I couldn't remember whatever happened last year. Really, only you can control your mind. Just like I did.

My life is upside down now!

2008-09-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

Had been reflecting on my life recently. Don't really like how it's turning out. Finding a channel my unhappiness. With grandma and that lil' brat staying in our house, makes our home even worst not like a home no more. I feel like i'm a devil! being so heartless. But its beyond my control. I don't wanna do this but God knows how i feel. Its hurting me too. I wonder if my dream of seeing my prince charming will ever happen again. I don't know. Will he ever know about that six long years? Well i'll just leave that to fate. If its really meant to be. God, if you cant take away our pain, please try to ease them.

She's hurting inside..

2008-06-05T01:06:00.000-07:00

and all I can do is listen. I'm afraid I would utter the wrong words to hurt her deeper. It all started while we were watching the Ellen show. It was a commercial on Behind the closed door that will be showing soon on Channel 5. Venetta Lopez was saying that most cases that the Tan Tock Seng handled were men being abused by their wives. I commented, damn! What are the guys doing man! Mum cut in saying your brother is one of them. Everytime get bullied by his wife. She apparently poured out her feelings. I've always thought that I'm the unlucky one to hear all these unpleasant events happened. But now I think of it, I'm lucky to have my mother confiding in me. I felt helpless unable to comfort her in any way. How I wish I could remove all those unhappy memories and worries from her or ease her pain. Allah please guide us to the right direction.

2 days after they left!

2008-06-01T04:40:00.000-07:00

It was my younger sister's birthday. The scene when my brother handed my sister he gift kept playing in my head. I knew that it'll be last time we're ever going to have him in the family potrait when we have any occassion. When we were celebrating, I felt a great loss and I'm sure all felt the same. Especially my mum. She was teasing my dad and she said she had to if not, not fun! I know what she meant by that. Our very first celebration without our brother. I had to hold back my tears. Their room is left untouched. I was crazily hoping that time could go back and bring my brother back. But I find myself silly as I know that it's not going to happen. Just yesterday I wanted to sms my brother to ask how he is but snapped out of it thinking about the day that he left. I suddenly hated him. I found myself choosing to hate him despite knowing his own difficulties. I felt so childish. All I can say is that you can never cut family ties but you can only strenghten them. I love my family no matter what happens. I've asked GOD to forgive them for me as I hadn't had the heart to do so. Please GOD help us through this ordeal. Actually fact is that I miss you so much brother and of course Sheyrin too. Be happy wherever you are. My prayers are with you and your family.

It's time to pour it all out!

2008-06-01T04:08:00.001-07:00

All the anger, disappointment, sadness. These emotions are mixed up in me since I could remember when it actually started. Most probably, I didn't really able to let go of the anger I had when my brother left to Indonesia to meet his in-laws. The day when it all began, an addition to the family member! When you see your only brother being treated like a puppet being tied to a string and the string is being pulled by your 'sister-in-law'. The moment I had to call her 'kakak' just because she's my brother's wife really made me a liar! I had to do what I had to do just in consideration of my brother and of course my family. Respect has got to be earned, it's not something that drops from the sky. Treating her nice and all really made me guilty. I honestly do not hate her but I hate her behaviour! Yes maybe 'Kak Siti' was right! My brother loves teasing us sisters and not really that close to us. But what happened to me when I failed my exams in Secondary 3, my broher came up to me and asked 'Mariah, anyone bully you in school? Tell me I'll go to school!' For the first time, my brother said that to me! He tutored me in my weak subjects till I passed my exams. He's always the last person to close his door and sleep. I love having to see him walking back and forth to the kitchen. I don't care even if we don't conversations but just by knowing he's at home, makes us family.
19th of May 2008 marked a very heartbreaking day for me. The day that I feared will come has arrived! What I remembered was that I wanted to have my late lunch when my mother came into the room and asked, 'You don't want to help them pack?' I was like huh? What did she meant by that. Damn! I stood in the living room seeing my father standing outside brother's room saying that they are not stable yet and when they are, they can move out if not he'll face many problems. I saw 'Kak Siti's' expression and really pissed me off. She smirked while packing. I didn't see my brother though. Mum woke me up early that morning to help her look after Sheyrin in the living room. I was quite pissed as why out of my two sisters, my mum woke me instead. But I guess I don't regret it. I got the chance to spend with Sheyrin while 'Kak Siti' was hanging the babies clothes. She did mentioned that she wanted to clean the room. So I didn't thought much of it. I didn't know that most probably that it's a sign I guess. She was with her hp wherever she went. Most likely brother was on the side smsing. I don't know I should not make assumptions I guess. My mum told me, 'You must let them be independent. They wouldn't know the difficulties unless they go through it themselves.' I was asking my mum, 'Are you convincing me or yourself?' Our family was so happy with the arrival of Sheyrin. Now we've gotta part with her. Life is so unpredictable. Till now I didn't speak of it. All I did was irritating my mother and sisters as though nothing happened. I'm afraid I'll lose it if I speak of them.

Dajie Kammy's birthday and Mother's Day

2008-05-17T03:47:00.000-07:00

Dajie and Me

Whoa! It was my eldest sis birthday on the 8th of May 2008. We sisters did a short video for her..haha as usual making a fool of ourselves.

Here are photos from our successful mission on Mother's Day.

I love these roses. Gosh this is the 5 roses bouquet given by dad.

Here are the individual roses given to my mum from the 7 of us.

This is how each stalk looks like:

The roses in the family..haha..

King and Queen of my heart

I love them all..and did i mention that I'm an aunt...hhahaa..

This world is full of mysteries...

2008-04-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

Just when I'm very happy with my current work, now after receiving a news from my prncipal, my happiness went crumbling down. She has tendered her resignation. She is under alot of stress these few months. I was so happy to have met her after my two previous bosses. It was like I've finally stepped into a whole new and wonderful place. Why must this happen? Why can't this joy stays with me? I am afraid to meet another monstrous principal. Gosh, help me God. Help me through this.

More favourite scenes from Friends

2008-03-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

Friends The One With Ross's Sandwich - Funny Bits

Friends Funny moment when Ross tries to hit joey

A peaceful piece from Yiruma

2008-03-14T03:50:00.000-07:00

River flows in you

Favourite funny clips from F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2008-03-14T03:11:00.000-07:00

Scene from episode sitcom Friends "UNAGI" really funny (",)especially Ross's expressions.

Friends - Rachel and Amy's Cat Fight (the both of them really look alike)

Friends - Rachel makes dessert. Hilarious
Joey's, Monica's and Ross's expressions are really cute!

Gelare..Yummy Ice- cream!

2008-03-13T02:25:00.000-07:00

Aunty Susan & Me

Xiang Pin Jie & Me

We went to Gelare for ice-cream and its heavenly good! Taken during chinese new year, 09/02/08.

One word to describe how I feel.....

2008-03-13T02:07:00.000-07:00

The word is 'Great!' I've never felt this relaxed and happy for such a long time. It just felt so great. I'm so glad that I passed my practicum. My practicum supervisor was very warm, made me feel really at ease delivering my lesson. Thank you so much Dr Arul. You made the effort to come all the way down to Ang Mo Kio from Johor Bahru to assess me. Thank you again. (",) After this, I'm going for my Diploma. But gotta take a short break first before continuing as I've heard that it's tough. On the 8th of March, I couldn't hold back my tears when my lecturer Ms Imee, told us that she tendered her resignation letter due to some personal reason. She had been a great role model. She's one of the reason why I could feel comfortable be in the course along with my classmates. Well, this happens anywhere we go, yeah yeah too bad, what am I to do, I'm sensitive and I'm never good with goodbyes. All I can say is Good Luck and Best Wishes to you always! I can't wait for our mini gathering on the 29th of March which marks the end of course. Hopefully, we will be in the same class again ya CPTP10 in Diploma. Even if we're not gonna be in the same class, I'm thankful that I've got the chance to be in the same class as you unique ladies. God bless.

A Fresh Start

2008-02-06T22:01:00.000-08:00

I almost wanted to give up searching for a kindergarten as it narrowed down to all childcare centres. But luckily I waited for a while till I got a job in PCF Kindergarten in Kebun Baru which is very near my house. I was thankful that the environment and the people there are very approachable. They helped me through my first week. But I felt awkward making conversation with anyone there as I felt that I have lost myself along the way last year in the job that I was in. That place really changed me so much as a person. I fear of trusting people and gets really uncomfortable whenever someone praises me as I got that all from my previous principal and turned out to be lies. Somehow, I need time to be myself again.
I love the children there. I have to work doubly hard as the children there are slightly different from the Montessori students. They are not exposed to much reading at home.
Fight-oh! Oh!

Seize the opportunities when they come by

2007-12-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

Whenever opportunities knock on the door, sometimes it's kinda risky in receiving it or leave it be. It's best when you think it through in your head in which direction you're heading to with the opportunity you're about to receive. Well, where am I leading to with this? I admit that sometimes I use to be green with envy whenever my sisters have given opportunites to go overseas, go out hang out with friends and bla bla. Comes to think of it, my anger and jealousy are really crap! Kinda weird when I think it through again. The girls whom I'm living with my whole life are the most brilliant girls I know. I just love them! I'm so proud that we're all of unique individuals. Just imagine if all of us are of the same, my gosh! So boring.
My er jie just flew to Shanghai this morning. At first, totally against her, thinking that she's so stubborn, why must make my family worry! bla...bla..bla..but what on earth am I thinking! She wanted so much to travel, now she's got the opportunity. I totally support her like how she has always given me the support. What are sisters for if you can't give your support when they need it? I love my siblings very much! Hehe..so emotional. Wah, my er jie will be away for a week, I'm gonna miss irritating her! Haha!
I'm enjoying my days so far! So relaxing and so happy surfing net all day.Not forgetting watching dramas online in youtube and crunchyroll in between the days while watching sinetron on tv. Kinda lazy that I've got evening classes. But next Tuesday, we'll be having mini Christmas Party; theme: The 60s. Looking forward for that last lesson and then school's off for Hari Raya Haji and Christmas Day. (",) Gonna pick the clothes for the party...

2 Dec 07 Celebrating Mum & Dad's Wed Anniversary

2007-12-02T18:24:00.000-08:00

We celebrated our parents anniversary at East Coast Beach. It was awesome! It was scorching hot! No matter where we sat for shelter, still we got sunburnt. I went riding with my sisters for the second round and I collided with an uncle on a sports bike. He was on my lane, I tried to swerve but swerved wrong side. Lol. Luckily, he didn't scold me man! Phew! I apologized and went on riding. I didn't realized that I injured my ankle with two cuts. I was bleeding. Darn! Luckily I've brought along my four hansaplast in my wallet. We carved 'Happy Wed Ann' on the sand for our parents. A perfect day out bonding with family! Numerous pictures taken at the beach. I felt so refreshed with the wind blowing on my face and the scenery is so beautiful. I felt so light like a feather.

Some of the photos from the beach!

My precious moments with my love ones. At the end of the day, I felt really light and happy!

Spreading my wings at last...

2007-11-30T22:23:00.000-08:00

Counting down to freedom is finally over. I'm finally free. Those 2 weeks of running the holiday programmes, I was really upset because I will not be able to hear their voices calling me so dearly, getting hugs from them the moment they enter the room, hearing their laughters when I made silly acts, the expressions when I read them a story, their cries when they need my attention,clinging onto my leg when they want my attention to be focus on them, sharing their excitement when they achieved to put on their own shoes, keeping their own lunchboxes, succeed in recognizing the phonics, pretending to be cubs while I'm the lioness. I had so much fun during those 2 weeks. These children have been with me since the start of school, I faced so much difficulties and struggles in many areas, understanding their individual unique characters, cracking my head trying many ways to extract their fears and being open with me. I received rejections many times but I did not give up. I moved forward till I gained their trust. The children now are very cheerful and always running, laughing, socializing, love to try new things, enthuastic in any activities I organized and of course whenever they accidentally call me Mummy. So cute and they have been a part of my life. Though they make me angry with their stubborness and acts, they'll end up coming to me and apologize with tears in their eyes. That melts my anger away. Haha..sometimes it's hard for me to get angry for too long with them. I love them so much and felt so guilty when Sarah's mother came with sunflowers, crying, thanking me for everything I've done for Sarah. Sarah was previously a reserved child, do not like attention, love doing her own things and never wanting to participate in any activities. Now she's a cheerful child, making friends with everyone, laughing with them, sharing her things and joining in any activites. A tremendous change in her made her parents happy and of course myself too. I taught the 3 and 4 years old phonics, they enjoy learning that a boy whom I never expect to say this to me : I love phonics, I love teacher Mariah and I want to come to this school forever and ever. He was one of the difficult child that I handled at first, now he has so much joy in him that all his acts that he made makes me laugh. His sister aged 2 years 10 months was previously very difficult to get to her. But now she's so vocal, love to learn and enjoys making friends. I am angry that my principal said to the parents that she came up with the programmes for me to run. Bullshit! all the efforts and the programmes are my ideas!! She was afraid that once the parents know that I'm leaving, the parents will withdraw their children as they are very close to me. Some crazy thoughts she has in her mind. My gosh! Well, all ends peacefully. Even some of the children did not know about my departure but I got to give them all a hug. I love them so much. Same sentiments as my student care place. I'm so close to them and saying goodbye was so hard. Whatever it is, I have gained the students trust, the parents trust and I've collected countless memories and experiences. I'll carry them with me to my next destination.

Lotsa love always...

thank you for the memories and the trust you parents have in me.

Battling with myself...

2007-10-10T07:54:00.001-07:00

Saying is way simpler than acting out what had been said. I've been cursing and swearing myself for being too soft hearted. I've lost my stubborn self. Stick to what I want and couldn't care less about other things. Now I'm thinking way too much about how I'm going to affect people around me just tire me. I'm getting weary! I'm having the greatest worry this month. I'm tendering my resignation letter soon and I'm freakng afraid that I'm going to screw everything up! I hate my boss. I've never hated someone so much in my life before like how much I hated her. She's so pretentious. Everything she say or does are all an act! I know it's bad and sinful of me to hate and talk bad about her like this GOD but you see her for yourself. What kind of human does what she did? I really wonder...Whatever it is still doing my count down....to freedom!

It's All Coming Back Again

2007-07-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have always thought marriages are not only sacred but being with someone whom you want to be with till you grow old. It is also not only base on love itself but also trust. I heard my colleague said that when you marry someone, that doesn't mean you marry the family. I believe that to a certain extend but eventhough it is so, that doesn't mean you treat the family 'transparently'. I have been angry with brother lately. Still figuring out why am I so mad at him. I know he has so much to deal with right now but I don't feel sorry for him. I felt so bad for feeling this way. He is my brother, how can I feel that way? Lately, Mummy close her door, giving excuses saying that she is feeling hot or she wants to rest for a while and whenever she tells me this, it'll be infront of bro's room. I'm thinking way too far now aren't I! Beginning to be like Mum now. Yesterday, reached home and seeing Mummy doing her project again. Mummy said proudly, " New Project." I just nodded and said " Cool." I thought she is making handicrafts to sell in the flea market. When she turned the frame around, it was brother's wedding pictures. I frowned and asked why she was doing that. She said that they do not have pictures of their wedding of their own in their room. In my heart, I said that they do not deserve to be treated nicely. I know that it is just a frame, but with the recent pictures hanging in Mum's room and I observed Mummy doing the frame, I can sense that she did it with love. The way Mum talked to brother the other day, she was full of anger and sadness, she love him so much, she cannot see him being treated the way he is being treated by his own wife. Being a woman is so tough, being a wife is even tougher but being a mother is unimaginably tough. It's like we're in the trance of time. The history of Mum and Dad's time. Does this happen during their time? I really wonder. I still have the anger at bro. I wonder how long this will end. It's affecting everyone here at home. Still have to keep the spirit up! Gambate!

Dealing with fear.....

2007-04-17T06:15:00.000-07:00

Fear is a demon within ourselves. It can never vanish if we don't battle it ourselves. This year, I'm battling with my own fears. Gosh 'fear(s)'...with the (s) added to the word 'fear'. Fear of not achieving what I want in life, fear that the family that I love most will not be a whole anymore, fear of losing more of my love ones, fear of not having a life that I've wanted it to be, fear of not being good enough to be an educator for the young ones,fear of hurting the people I love most, fear of not being a good sister,daughter or friend, fear of discovering that I've a certain kind of illness...I really fear so much...But if don't get it of these demonic thoughts, it'll kill me even slower and even much more pain caused not only to myself but to the people around me. Adding more thoughts to their mind, wondering what's in my stupid mind. I've faced the harsh side of reality which I really wish I could just get out from it as though it's just one of my nightmares. I hate my boss so damn much to a really high extend.I know hating someone is not right God but you've seen and heard whatever she's done and spoken. It's really nasty God. I won't ask You why you put me in this kind of situation or hate You for what is happening to me right now. In actual fact though I do wish my life to be a complete reverse of now. But, I would never ever trade my life now to anything else in this world. The family that I have now is wonderful. I know You've something install for our family. Whatever happens, I thank You deeply for this gift of my beautiful and wonderful family. I only ask for one thing, please let me be in this family again in my next life. The times I spend now, though it's tough but the moments that we share talking, sharing,hearing past stories especially from my grandma, it's really a comfort to me in a way. Though I don't have any cousins to gossip to, friends to hang out with day and night, but further down the road, I believe I'll bump into one. All I can do is Believe! In YOU, in me and in everyone.

Dream Course!

2007-04-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

In life, nothing comes easy. As for me, I've finally got my dream course but..I've always hated this word 'but'..whenever you feel like saying a certain thing, this word will always appear in one of the sentences. As I was saying, finally got my dream course but met a friend whom I've wanted to long forget. I've promised myself to let go of all my hatred and grudges against anyone. God really wants to see how strong I can be. I don't like to pretend as though I've never met her my life, the way she potrayed herself, I'll take it that way then. A new clean sheet of white paper, no writings, no stains. I've never in my life met this person. Sometimes comes to think of it, the reason I took that course is for myself. The course that I longed for. No one should ever make me feel inferior of myself. Yup! I should not have all these nonsensical thoughts! I've said that I've embraced my future so I should just look ahead, no more turning back to the past. No No No..should not! Only happy memories should be remembered always! What I fear most is that I'm not strong enough to carry on with my tight schedule now. Let's see how it goes..........

It's like reliving the nightmare.

2006-10-06T04:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since he left us. I can't never look forward for Fridays and Saturdays the same way again. It's like i'm reliving the nightmare over and over again. Unfortunately, I still can't get over the images of the event on that day. My sister created a clips compiling all the memories we, a big whole generations of family shared together over the years. The genuine smiles on everyone faces which brought back tears in our eyes, thankful that we had a whole lots of memories together. A beautiful masterpiece created by my sisters. Brilliant sisters I have. Now, made copies for my aunties. There is this picture of my grandpa which will brought tears to my eyes whenever I see it. An adorably amazing picture of him that I'll always install in my heart forever. I'll definitely keep him alive throughtout my future generations ahead of me. I don't want to ever forget him and my dear late uncle whom we lost him to cancer,gone not long ago in the month of July. Now, we lost another sweetheart. To my dear uncle and grandpa, you'll always be remembered always. Love you two for the memories.("-,)

*Lost a Grandpa

2006-10-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

On Friday, 29th of September was a happy day for the children. Receiving gifts, celebrating Children's Day. But for me, it was a nightmare. I received a phonecall from my second sis that my grandpa had passed away. I was in a state of shock. I didn't know how to react. That evening after we break fast, we went down to our grandpa's house. There he was, lying motionlessly with a cloth covering his whole body. We took turns to give him a peck on his forehead. Just by looking at him, triggered umpteen memories we shared together. Tears welled up in my eyes. Though there's many stories we heard about him that we don't know whether to hate him or not. But deep inside my heart, i loved him. I have always envied my friends who had cousins to hang out with, grandparents who dote on them so much. As for me, due to disputes among families, we were not in good terms. I have a great family, a whole happy family. Somehow,there's a lil' space that makes it incomplete. Whenever both my grandparents stayed overnight at our house, we shared so much laughters together. We stayed till 12 midnight and we went home. The next day, was the day he was buried. We went there at 9am. When we reached, every eyes we met there were sore red due to crying. Everyone took turns to say our goodbyes before he's being wrapped up.When it was my turn, my mum told me to send him away with a smile. I smiled to him and kissed him for the last time. I went out in tears. We waited downstairs for the body to be carried down. We went up the bus, on our way to the cemetery. After a Muslim Leader read prayers and eased his soul, flowers were decorated on his grave. My mum is very strong. She cried alot as it can be seen from her swelling eyes. My grandpa was a crocodile lover. We visited the crocodile farm umpteen times with him. Now,I'll see the crocodile farm as a memory of my late grandpa. I love him so much. We mourn and we grieve, we move on. We have to let go. He'll always live in our hearts and in our prayers forever.

Time past real fast!

2006-09-16T04:38:00.000-07:00

Wow..time flies real fast. Two weeks had past and experienced quite a fair bit in those two weeks manz..the nursery kids are all damn cute.Especially their cute lil' voices..It makes my heart melt when i see them running towards me, hugging me. Aww..so cute! And the kindergarten kids, young at age but way older in the minds..kids nowadays, i wonder how they are brought up! Sure pamper like mad! It had been a great week for me though there's more yet to learn..hope this would carry on..(",) But looking at their lil' faces reminds me of my children in Kids Insight! Missed them damn badly. Wanted so badly to see them but i can't make it on time..Really missed them so so badly! Really love them so much...hope they are doing great! End of year exams are round the corned and PSLE too..wish all my students in Kids Insight..all the very best i know they can do it! I believe in them! My prayers and care will always be with you kids! Love you all..

MONEY IS THE MOST CRUEL THING ON EARTH!!!!

2006-08-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

No doubt money is important in this world but its also the most cruel thing the world. It steals away people's happiness to live peacefully in this world. Money can leads to arguements plus hatred. Shucks!
Wow, i can see the same stubborness and the angry kid i was back then in my lil' precious younger sister. *lol*..its kinda scary seeing myself in her..but she's all grown up now. Sometimes it angers all of us sisters when she argues with us but at the same time, it's really a great thing to see she can think for herself now. She's one of the smartest kid i know that can go far. I just love my siblings just too much larh..we may get into each other's nerves but haha we sure do love each other!

Fear I'll End up at the same place..

2006-08-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

I hadn't had a peaceful mind these past days. The truth is that i fear i'll end up at the same place like my previous centre. The experiences i had in the past, was no doubt a memoriable one, especially knowing the individual kids, understanding them, hearing them when they felt helpless, being a friend to them, protecting and supporting them to face their own bullies.. along the way i knew for the fact that i suffered quite as much too. I lost alot along the way..losing myself, my time with my family, having to have a normal life with friends surrounding me, trying hard to keep in touch with friends that matters most to me..wow that place sure did provide me with lotsa experience huh.. now i got accepted at My Montessori, My World..its a time for me to rejoice but i can't help feeling fearful. The hours are shorter, the pay is attractive too. Well, i wanted this so badly so i guess i'm worrying for nothing huh. Now this new place, i'll give the same passion and dedication same as the previous one. Starting on the first of September. Tomorrow, i'm going down for an hour to read a story for the kids plus knowing more about the place and salary. Still can't believe i get in manz..gotta thank Cheah for this too. Hope everything turns out just fine..*fingers crossed*

Another Job Opportunity...

2006-08-25T07:13:00.000-07:00

Got another call from My Montessori, My World (Kindergarten). Called me down for an interview and an hour trial with the kids tomorrow at 1pm. If i get through that maybe i'll get the job. Its definitely far from my house aite. At Farrer Road at Bukit Timah! Actually wanted me to come down today itself at 4pm. I got her call like about 2 pm. I guessed i'm a wonder woman or better yet a superman to be there right away. Hello??!! I'm not mentally prepared yet. Went for the interview for the Learning Vision at Newton. I guessed i screw it up! The shortlisted ones will be called on Monday. Hate whenever this happens to me. Being fickle minded, having second thoughts. Children at the childcare, err..i'm not up for that. What am i thinking! Without any background of what i'm about to enter, i just walked right into it. Gosh.When i entered that centre,having a tour with the senior teacher, i finally realised that..thats not the right place for me. I don't know where i heading to. But, i hope i'm coming close to that. Tomorrow...lets see how it goes. Whether i feel thats the place for me..My mum and my sisters saiid that Montessori is one of the place to get in. Ain't sure if its true..Tomorrow here i come! Another day to get by. Fight-Oh! Oh..

Facing A Lil' Disappointment

2006-08-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

What i've prayed not to happen,happened. I didn't get the course that i want just because i don't have the employment letter that stated clearly my benefits. When my hp rang i knew its no good news. Cheah is a really nice person who fought hard for me to get into the course. I can't thank him enough.I've said that i'll see him for the next intake, next year. I'm not giving up for this course. He helped me to look out for childcare jobs through the learning capital. I've got a call from learning vision earlier on to go down for an interview. Well waiting for this friday. Gambate!Fight-Oh!Oh!

Aww missing my lil' angels badly! missed arguing with Anderson! Missed monkeying and crazying around!

My Seventh Heaven Family

2006-08-13T23:46:00.000-07:00

My family,the dearest and important people in my life. Without them, i would be lost. I really wished so much that all our individual dreams comes true. Why must money always be a barrier for us to reach for our dreams. I really hate it! Sometimes i get so angry that sometimes we have to sacrifice the things that we really wanted so badly. I always feel angry inside. And really believe it or not i can somehow feel their individual pains. But, when i want to react to it, i just lost it. God i know that i kinda babble don't know what crap here but i sure do know that i want to reach my dreams and earn as much money as possible, get my driving licence and buy a damn big car. I know that all these require alot alot of effort in it. I am still trying to get to it. Please God help me along the way. Two weeks being at home, i felt really happy and relax. Feel like myself again. Talking lotsa craps, irritate my siblings and see the usual angry faces when i did something wrong. Love it all..
I hope time allows me to complete these dreams of mine. I hope history would not repeat itself.

One Litre Of Tears

2006-08-13T21:10:00.000-07:00

A true inspirational japanese story about a courageous teenage girl who was diagnosed with an incurable sickness. Aya Kito was only 15 years old had to accept the fact that she could not fulfil her dreams unlike other teenagers. Her diary was published after her death. Every single day she had go through different changes due the illness that took over her body. She was devasted to know that she had this illness which shattered her dreams. She kept asking her mother why must she have this illness,what had she done wrong. She was an intelligent student and a great basketball player. Not only that, a wonderful friend, sister and daughter to her loved ones. Knowing that she would slowly she'll be laying on the bed,unable to walk,talk but able to hear and understand others, she wrote in her diary everyday to record all her grieve,anger and joys in them. Instead of crying about her illness,feeling helpless with the stares she received around her, feeling that God is unfair,she embraced this illness. Through this illness, she realised that she had so many loved ones around her, supporting her through the difficult process. She found herself true love,who was there with her always.Then she determined to live her life to the fullest with smile on her face and not tears. She wrote her diary till the very last. Even with this illness, she wants to make a difference in her own might even if it's a small one to other people's lives. She wrote inspirational quotes and essays to people who had suffered with illnesses and help to open people's eyes to not take life for granted. To live life to the fullest.
When i watched with my sisters, staying up late till 1 am, we cried more that a litre of tears thats for sure. Its a very sad but inspirational 11 episode show.
Aya Kito was really an inspirational to everyone that still received countless letters from around the world in how she had been a courageous girl.
Erika Sawajiri is really an excellent actress that potrayed Aya Kito's character very very well.
And Niishikido Ryo is a great actor who potrayed a boy who fell in love with her despite her illness.
A really touching show..damn i always ended up crying watching it again.
I still remembered that day we three sisters ended up having swollen bloodshot eyes..that our younger sister compared our eyes..hehehe...

A way long break for ME!!!!

2006-07-29T01:43:00.000-07:00

Wow..the day that i'm waiting is finally here...my break..hopefully, my subsidise for the course is approved..but i gotta wait for another two weeks for the approval to finalise..i've got another offer to stay in my centre..having to work thrice a day while at the same time the other three days, attending my lesson..but even though how much i missed the kids there but i can't ignore what i've wanted to do my whole life..i've chosen this root and i gotta be happy and stick to it..
the direction you're heading cannot always change can it? well damn my computer crashed! Anyways till then...waiting for the cpu to be repaired...*sob sob*

Changes...

2006-07-20T04:14:00.000-07:00

Everything seemed to turn the other way round. Really confused with the things around me. In just a month tones of things can happen. My uncle passed away on the 15th of July 2006, Saturday, at 1.30 pm..it was a sad moment for my mother's side.That was my second or third time having to experience the whole proceedings of the funeral.I can't accept the fact that i've seen someone whom i talked to before or came to visit our house for visitings,lying motionlessly on the bed..seeing the people surrounding all in tears. I tried to control my tears but i can't. Things at work, got worst...i really didn't expect things to turn out like that..well everything happens for a reason they say and i believe it so. And life sometimes don't go with what you've planned. Whatever had happened in this past a year and four months had been a worthwhile journey..however a new chapter are yet to be created.
May all of you my dear friends be safe and sound..and take care of yourselves. (",)

Outta there..

2006-06-30T16:40:00.000-07:00

These past a year and two months had been a nightmare for me unfortunately. Trusting wrong people, living in hatred and anger. Working here had made my temper worst coz i'm not allowed to express them. Allyou gotta do is suppress those feelings deep till you go mad. Well i'm one of them who's going crazy anytime soon if i don't get the hell outta that place. Once i leave this place, i'll waking up from this nightmare. Through this nightmare however, it had opened my chances to know nice people like Karen, Joanne, CenWei, Xiang Pin, Serene, Doreen and Sapna. It had been a wonderful experience to know you guys. I'm working with my bestfriend too though i know that i've kinda bringing her to hell with me. Nevertheless, my life became a lil' brighter. Thanks ya. Well i just believe that Aunty could turn out to be a...i've no words to describe her. One day, she'll have all the things she'd done bounced back to her. She's a dissapointment. I am going to miss all the kids but still i gotta move on right. Missing someone dearly too. Where are you? I guess i've lost my chance again. I blew my chances twice, now this is my third. Chance to know him of course. Well i'll wait to see if he'll reappear again if not it just means i gotta move on with my life then. I love my family alot. They've been behind me supporting me through all the difficult phase in my life. (",) My chapter here is ending in a months time. Gotta create a new one soon. Now i gotta go through my English exam first. All the best to myself!

Another Chapter on Lesson Learnt

2006-05-30T07:43:00.000-07:00

Well its been months till i've got the time to update my blog...for starters, i'm feeling on top of the world...even though there's some stormy days,feeling a little rocky but still i manage to balance myself..some informations surfaced but yet to know if its true or not..amy is working at the student care with me..but had a little regret as what i'd imagined would happen,had happened..can see through her that it's not what she wanna do..i totally understand..another friend of mine,seen her situation,it's a tiring job for her as to see how much she spent on her daily transport and the long hours she gotta be in there,i know that i've gotta be ready as the time will definitely come..amy asked me if i mind that she'll leave the job for her course..
i've told that even no matter how close you are with a friend,you can't expect them to follow you forever...everyone has their own plans and dreams..i've got mine too..so if she is given that opportunity to take her dream course and from there as a stepping stone towards her dream career,definitely i'll totally support her...yes i admit i'll be overtaken by sadness but still after that,i'd to move on each day..maybe my destination to my dream course is a little longer..but i;m sure with perseverance and determination..of course support from dear ones,i'll succeed one day!
I know it sounds really crazy but i'm still waiting for his reply..he didn't log in for like 3 months plus now..wonder how he is...
No matter what happens,even if he says he didn't like me,i'm still happt as at least i've had memories on somethings...he's a great friend..my prayers are forever with you always!
For my dear friends at work,Ames,Doreen,all the best in your future endeavours sincerely from the bottom of my heart..
Though they'll be thunder and lightning at home,but still,it's a great place for warmth!
Especially with my darlings...
At work,there may lies some unusual situation,but the kids are godsend..though they dislike the place..especially my twins...
Missing my friends dearly...JAI!!!!DURR!!!!where you guys?miss school days...haiz..but still no regrets...
Karen jie,Xiangpin jie,Peishan jie..miss you guys..though our lives are busy nevertheless..thanks for replying my messages..so happy to know you guys are doing great...
As for aunty...had many rough and tough times with her..nevertheless she's a good person though she tends to show it wrongly...which makes people think it otherwise..but its a great honour to know you...(",)

Gotta start over....

2006-04-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

Well...i've been really down these few months that i guess i am thankful for it..i know it sounds crazy but..it had made me a stronger person now..it gave me gain more experience as if i ever walked out into a new environment, i'll know what to expect..maybe i can't totally know what to expect but maybe it'll give me a rough idea as in what i'll face...and what steps to take to prevent it..i'm gonna change this very blog into what i've experienced and what i've studied through the days...i'm sincerely thankful that i found a right place to experience love,care,passion,hatred,
anger...everything..the kids taught me how to care and love...i've also learnt that you can't fully trust people...whatever you hear,it may be true but you just gotta keep your lips sealed...getting
angry about it and thinking of it for long would only tire oneself...i swear i'm not gotta let myself drown in sorrows ever...stress?well i'll have that each day but gotta keep it steady or i'll blow...hope i control that....hopefully...thats all for now..gotta go now...

Afraid that i'll lose it..

2006-04-23T17:50:00.000-07:00

these few months had been really rough and tough for me..which every day would ever post a happy one..none..i've felt so down these months that i'm afraid i'll lose it soon..but now it's showing..it's so hard to control my temper now..felt like screaming out loud..hitting things,venting all my anger out..and express my sadness but i can't...not allowed to..i can't other ways to channel those anger to..i'm at work for goodness sake..vent to marking papers?where i'll vomit even more blood? drawing?making me more stress that i'll turn out to imperfect?listening to music?which is even worst..make me think even more...pray that everything will turn out alright..please god...

Just wanna break free!

2006-04-11T07:49:00.000-07:00

I'm completely driven insane now! Freaking tired...hearing the same bullshit each day! I'm all stressed out with the students now additional a parrot who can't shut her piehole up! She driving me up the ceilings soon! or maybe sooner than i know..a new teacher joined us for a few days and wanted to give up,quit,she barely experience anything yet..god please help me!
I fought hard for this job that now i'm saying the word that i hate most...'i regret'...i wanted so much to achieve my dreams, but while reaching for this dream..makes me lose lotsa things!and over there at work,i'm living in hell...but when i see the kids i tend to forget that i am in hell...they may be devils but they are sweet devils..haha..love the lots!i've gotta face the same thing again...so tired,just drank the cough mixture..sleepy now...haiz..hope when i wake up,i see a fairyland..ya rite..in y dreams!

A start of the day...

2006-04-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

hmmz wonder whats happening in the few hours time..all i know its that i'll be repeating the same thing all over again..eventhough i plan to do something different but it'll always go back to square one again...so i guess planning don't work..just go with the flow..well my student is here..gotta stop here now...

inspired by shows and stories...

2006-04-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

I'll seen and heard lotsa stories that boost up myself..challenges they faced in their lives and how it turns to a beautiful happy ending..i pray and hope that my life turns out like that..don't wanna end up saying this phrase..."history is repeating itself"..i know i gotta leave it to faith too..but don't you believe that you are a ruler of your own destiny? I believe i am and i'm gonna bring that faith along till i reach to where i dreamt being...this show i've watched the Perfect Man..i like the this guy's character alot! Adam Ink,the name of the character...a guy who loves drawing comics...and who is willing to let Holly,which was potrayed by Hilary Duff,know that he is there for her and she don't have to fear about anything...i dream of that type of guy..but haha..in my dreams...that story taught me that everyone is scared but it's never a reason to run away..and that you must open up and let new people into your life...yeah and the next question is how do you know if that person is good or bad or even scarier than that...but what matters most is, be yourself..you can't satisfy everyone but if just being humble and kind to people who's not worth it, it's just another lesson being taught...life may be weird at times..but it sure do is an adventure..(",)...I'll learnt to stronger now...and gotta continue that way...well i gotta turn in now..darn sleepy..*yawns*

found a right person to turn to..

2006-04-02T18:31:00.000-07:00

And that would be my mum of course..though what she said made me kinda mad but what she said do make sense..so i took the advice and it works..i felt better..my mum said that when in an argument or misunderstanding, it is best not to have a third person..it'll make things even worst..even though you found out that someone have been saying nasty things about you..it won't even hurt coz you know you've never done those things..apologising is not an act of weakness but a strength to know that you have to somehow forgive and forget and move on with our lives..holding on to grudges and making enemies would just make things unhappy for yourself..and really tire yourself to the extreme end..its tough when i stepped into this working world..but i managed to survive for a year..and will continue to do so till i've earned enough to continue to take my dream desired course...i've experience different kind of setbacks and i know there's more to come but i just gotta pull myself together and i know i can do it coz i believe in myself..and obviously i still won't bare to leave my lil' cute students yet..well thats all for today..

It's a clear pic now...

2006-04-02T00:13:00.000-08:00

I shall say that the past week had been a revealing of truth week..it was real tough..gotta face work when my heart and mind felt so heavy..feeling as though sadness controls my whole self..
had made my bads for lotsa things..now i know what it meant by appearance could be deceiving and seeing is believing...sometimes hearing things are not facts..i've said once that i was afraid of whole lotsa thing in this brand new year 2006...and my fears are here...but how are we gonna know who's pretending to nice?or who's the real nice person?it's just unpredictable...
Lotsa lessons learnt through this experience of mine...you can't judge someone just by the way they dress or the way the speak..and everything has a double side..a good side and the bad..but i hope everything gonna just fine...*cross fingers*...and here's just the starting..and i know there's lots more for me to deal with...jiayou to myself!